I still remember when I was five
watching you work hard with your hands in the front yard
You got under the car hood and rolled up your sleeves
I'd sit on the porch, waiting for you
and play with my dolls, eating apples
surrounded by fall leaves
I remember the trees in our yard
Canopies and shadows all around me
Climbing limbs was sometimes hard
And playing outside felt so free
I loved the smell of crayons, broken up pieces, coloing pages
You walked into our house and sat close next to me
You watched me dream on a page, make-believe-me
Its all I remember about the days that were good
its all my heart wants to see
Its the last time my heart felt so alive
Its the last time I felt anything
because the rest I've blocked out.
Looking back, memories of age five are not so old, but new
Piggy back rides and swinging on swings,
sliding down slides
How I miss these times when I was just a kid
and you were my Dad
a friendlier Dad
I never quite understood what went wrong at times, between you and mom.
I knew love could be felt, but not for very long it seems.
Volcanic anger, swinging fists, dad's screaming voice and mom's broken heart
left us all confused,
Then my five year-old heart was wounded and bruised.
I was afraid we would lose our family.
I was afraid I'd lose mom; I was afraid we'd lose you.
I was afraid we'd lose two.
After age five, its all I remember.
I grew up thinking love was a feeling.
Now I'm re-learning a lesson, that love is a choice.
I'm all grown up now,
but frozen inside at age five, trying to make meaning
of all this, and trying to hear my real voice.
Mom often said, "keep it a secret at school"
Dad said ,just stops your tears
I grew up thinking if I shared the family secrets, I'd look like a fool.
and believed this was true for so many years.
Fast forward to thirties,and the pain never vanished
Neither did the unexpressed tears.
I'm starting to remember that emotions tied to this never banish on their own
over time they became mountains of fears.
Its hard re-visiting the past
when all you want is to move on
But real healing, I've heard, doesn't happen so fast
You've gotta feel fully the weight of what went wrong
To know the difference and live right again
I still remember when I was five,
standing in front of our house
Dad and I took a picture together
He got on his knees to stand beside me
and gave me a pink rose flower.
He wrapped his arm around mine.
All I could think was how much my Daddy loved me.
Its a memory I love and still remember.
