I Still Remember

I still remember when I was five
watching you work hard with your hands in the front yard
You got under the car hood and rolled up your sleeves
I'd sit on the porch, waiting for you
and play with my dolls, eating apples
surrounded by fall leaves

I remember the trees in our yard
Canopies and shadows all around me
Climbing limbs was sometimes hard
And playing outside felt so free

I loved the smell of crayons, broken up pieces, coloing pages
You walked into our house and sat close next to me
You watched me dream on a page, make-believe-me
Its all I remember about the days that were good
its all my heart wants to see

Its the last time my heart felt so alive
Its the last time I felt anything
because the rest I've blocked out.
Looking back, memories of age five are not so old, but new

Piggy back rides and swinging on swings,
sliding down slides
How I miss these times when I was just a kid
and you were my Dad
a friendlier Dad

I never quite understood what went wrong at times, between you and mom.
I knew love could be felt, but not for very long it seems.
Volcanic anger, swinging fists, dad's screaming voice and mom's broken heart
left us all confused,
Then my five year-old heart was wounded and bruised.

I was afraid we would lose our family.
I was afraid I'd lose mom; I was afraid we'd lose you.
I was afraid we'd lose two.
After age five, its all I remember.

I grew up thinking love was a feeling.
Now I'm re-learning a lesson, that love is a choice.
I'm all grown up now,
but frozen inside at age five, trying to make meaning
of all this, and trying to hear my real voice.

Mom often said, "keep it a secret at school"
Dad said ,just stops your tears
I grew up thinking if I shared the family secrets, I'd look like a fool.
and believed this was true for so many years.

Fast forward to thirties,and the pain never vanished
Neither did the unexpressed tears.
I'm starting to remember that emotions tied to this never banish on their own
over time they became mountains of fears.

Its hard re-visiting the past
when all you want is to move on
But real healing, I've heard, doesn't happen so fast
You've gotta feel fully the weight of what went wrong
To know the difference and live right again

I still remember when I was five,
standing in front of our house
Dad and I took a picture together

He got on his knees to stand beside me
and gave me a pink rose flower.
He wrapped his arm around mine.
All I could think was how much my Daddy loved me.
Its a memory I love and still remember.

What is Love?

I could serve with my hands the most neediest man
But if I don't love him even if my hands can't
What is love?

I could share all I own with one who owns none
But even if I did,
If I didn't love them deep inside
What is love?

I could go on a date, and show him all interest in the world,
But if I didn't love most who he really is inside, his heart would shatter and our worlds would not unify but would clash and collide.
Then what is love?

If I didn't love the real man inside, a part from everything else
taking him as he is,and turn the scene around
where he cares most about who I am underneath all this and loves me for me
Then what is love?

Man longs to be loved, where he is loved through and through
Where his struggles are overlooked and the pain of his scars, flaws that marrs his heart,never defines him.
Where is that kind of love, tell me where can it be?

Man longs to be held in the safest arms and man longs to run where his heart can roam free.
Show me the place where this love is found? Where can this kind be?
This all makes me wonder if my heart knows what real love means.
Lord, please help me to know it.
Because I want to know what love is,
I want you to show me. I want to feel what love is.
Lord I need you to show me.

Risk

How long do you sit on a fence?
How long do you wrestle with this? How long?
Are you settling for less than the best?
Life's too short, take a risk.

How long do you wait? ever feel like you're waiting around?
How long do you wait to make a move, a sign, a sound,
how long? tell me how long?
Life's too short not to risk.

Have you not heard the song
Gather rosebuds while you can
Life moves on, because the window of time is not as long
Make the most of time, be a wise man
Life's too short take the risk

Any words worth saying, say them now.
Any hugs worth giving, give them now.
Any, love worth sharing, tell her now.
Any hurts need forgiving, forgive now.
Any hearts need healing,heal them now.
A song worth singing, sing it now.

Any, risk worth taking, take it now.
Any one wanting wisdom, wise up now.
Oh life is too short, take the risk

Standing Under You

Listening is a lost art it seems
A silent moment feels awkwards sometimes
Sometimes I can't let time pass without saying what I think

But if I want to know your point of view
Can't make this about me, what I think you mean
Its not about how I feel, what I'm sensing, and what I see.

But sometimes I struggle and not sure what you're trying to say
when I am standing here filled by my own thoughts, focused on me
hearing what I think is true about you, based on what I see,
when I'm really standing, standing in the way.

And at the same time, I hope you're free to tell me
just what you see in me, and how hard it can be,
that you're free to tell me in good times and hard times anyway.
So I'm learning to listen well; to hear more and say less.

That my way isn't always true; no, its not about my point of view.
Sometimes its hard, to let people in, but you take a step, one step closer in.
Even when you're afraid, to learn to trust again.

So I'm willing for you to help me to step back,
so I can understand, so I can know real truth.
I'm learning what it means, to stand under you,
so I can understand you.

Help me,let my words be few,
so I can know the real you.
Because there's no one quite like you.

One That Never Fails Me

Man keeps looking at her appearance
but God keeps looking at her heart.

This world always applauds his accolades,
he is supeior it seems.
But God knows he's not above any one
God knows she's not above every one either
And compared to Him, they're no where near as smart.

No earthly idols here, no earthly dream,
no relationship or personal success
could ever take a human throne
or satisfy an empty wounded heart
or lead me to a home
which really isn't here.
Its only an illusion.

So much talk of what we'll do and be tommorrow
when life on earth is consumed with sorrows.
All the Lillies of the fields
are here today and gone tommorow.
They're only an illusion.

And the words I hear God say
are all I can hold on to.
So I'm learning...

They will never pass away
They will never pass away
No, they will never pass away.
He is the one thing who never fails me.

Lord, you are the one who never fails me.

PRESS - The Old Firehouse and Living Room Performance of Andy Gulahorn

Nashville-based acoustic guitarist and vocalist, Andy Gulahorn, performed Sunday afternoon in a small East Texas town called Edom. This performance location was one of a kind, matching the unique personality and style of Gulahorn. His performance was held in the Old Firehouse Building that is comprised of a visual arts gallery/ exhibition space and a performance space, which is an old garage where the old fire engines were stationed. Monday night he performed in the home of a Dallas local musician. The atmosphere setting was the living room just the right size for an intimate coffee shop audience.

Real-life and non-fiction, serious and humorous, Gulahorn's stories and timeless truths are the meat of his songs. At last night's performance in Dallas (Richardson), he shared that much of the way he writes originates from the human soul desiring to be known. He attends an Anglican church where he serves in a ministry for men called The Samuel Society. It is made up of a community of men from all walks of life and all different ages. One unique thing about the Samuel Society is that every man agrees and admits that no matter where he is in life, no man is an island and that he wrestles with life's issues, that every man wants to be known, that it is in authetic community that each man is able to grow and know what its like to be known and accepted. This is very characteristic of Gulahorn's lyrics and writng and gives his audience a fresh perspective, engaging them to reflect on the daily moments and realities of their own journeys. As the evening ended, Gulahorn said, "Most concerts end with a song and the singer goes back stage before the audience leaves the room. But in this case, I play one more song and then I am still here and you are free to hang around or go. Its really different performing in a home."

Hope

I have often struggled with the past wondering if my future will be different than the things I witnessed growing up. Much like those who encounter the aftermath of war in their own country and are now in a new country rebuilding their life or a soldier back from war struggling to recover from what he saw through having to tolerate his surroundings and all that he experience is much of how I feel at times because of the devastation of my parents marriage relationship and watching them grow far a part from my childhood into my college years.

At times it feels easier to think that my friends who grew up in what seemed like non-dysfunctional spiritually happy homes could be blessed with good. But when it came to believing this for my own life, due to the devastation that lasted for such a long time and the wreckage and ruins left to recover now, has made it hard to believe and to actually hope that life could be different and will be different, than what I experienced then. This aftermath effect is called post-traumatic stress disorder.

I think of people who survived the the Holocaust, African-Americans in the U.S. who remembered the fight for their own democracy and the similar battle and trauma they experienced before true freedom was theirs. I think of small children as young as three years old who sometimes witness the separation of their parents and the trauma this causes in their life and the seed of insecurities it plants...fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of you name it.

Over time when something traumatic happens over and over and over, over a long period of time the enemy uses it to plant a lie that life is pretty much hopeless. The reality is as a child I was powerless, but because of what Christ has done, there is hope. The way God is using it for my good is that he is causing me to see that hope isn't found in human relationships, especially not in family as much as I look up to them and dearly love them.

How easy it is to idolize the very thing I love and want most, a family that genuinely loves each other. Yet I am reminded the only person worth my true affection and complete dependency is Christ, who is my only hope.